Went to a party tonight. I was okay until around 2 hours in. Lately I have been thinking alot about sort of severing the ties to my best friend of 12 years. It is obviously a big decision to make, but we haven’t talked in around 4 months, and to be honest I think half the reason I was cutting was because I had basically lost my two bestfriends within months of each other. I feel as though she pushed me away. For 12 years I was always number 1, as she was to me. She then started spending time with another girl, in which I didn’t mind but eventually it became them two and not me. Then add her boyfriend to the mix and suddenly I wasn’t so important. She was interested in only spending time with him or her, or both of them together. But never me.
I felt useless.
She didn’t need me.
The one person that was always there, had now gone.
Everything I do, I keep to myself. Only two people know about my cutting. They don’t really know why though.
I don’t tell people my problems. Hence the making of this blog.
So when I began to cut again it was like a release. I was in control. Only I had the power to break myself. Nobody else. Just me. I hadn’t felt like that in 3 years, when I also used to cut.
This time it is worse though because not only am I cutting, but I am constantly thinking about death and dying and ending my life. In all honesty I think about killing myself everyday. No matter how good the day may be, it will always be in my mind.
When I go to bed, it’s there. The thoughts are there. The urge. The power held within the act. I crave it every night.
This is mainly why I avoid going to bed. No one really understands why I go to bed anywhere between 2-4am. I postpone it. Procrastinate for as long as I can. I guess people think I don’t need much sleep or am a light sleeper, but I actually fucking love sleeping. It’s the one time completely to myself. I can dream of anything. Whether that be good or bad, nothing is impossible. I like that feeling. I can do whatever I please in my dreams. My deepest desires are held within them. In dreams, there is no judgement. No prejudice. No consequences. It is marvellous.
I love sleeping, I love the idea of going to another world. It’s that getting there is the hardest part. It is so hard for me to want to physically get into my bed. Yes I imagine the dreams beyond my battle, but actually getting to that point is both physically and mentally exhausting. Once I am in bed and actually sleeping and dreaming I do not want to leave.
Leaving would force me into the real world where there is constant judgement, prejudices and consequences for your every move. It is very difficult to have a decent moment to yourself. Purely by yourself. To think and to act in accordance with your thoughts. This world is so rushed we are losing our innocence and general thought process. It is so easy to gain answers to mindless questions. There is no effort. No actual self thought. I hate that. People rarely think for themselves.
So generally, to beat the battle, cutting helps to aid the process. It speeds things up. I know that once I cut, there will be a release, there will be a satisfaction and there will be an answer. The wait will be over because the exhaustion is taken away. I don’t really know if that makes sense, but it’s like you try for so hard to keep a straight face that once you literally cut through it, you’re free. Free to sleep, free to dream, free to feel infinite.
In my dreams I am never lonely. Sometimes I may be alone but never once have I felt lonely. I am perfectly content within myself.
I lack this feeling in real life, in the awakend day. After I came to the realisation that me and my bestfriend were drifting I tried to fight. I really honestly feel as though I fought for her. But once she stopped coming to school it made the battle harder. She lied to me. And I could not handle that. She didn’t lie. Not my bestfriend. But suddenly she did. It did not matter that honesty was what held us so strong for 12 years. That was gone.
I think the thing that bothered me the most is that she continued to act like nothing was wrong with us. She was too focused elsewhere. She had other, more important priorites.
Anyway, she asked me over the internet the other day why I don’t talk to her. Mind you, we have not properly talked in close to 4 months. Her replacement friend was gone. It was obvious. Although I wasn’t involved in her life, I still payed close attention to what was happening in it. That’s what bestfriends do.
So I didn’t write back. But tonight at the party everything was okay, until my friend(who knows about my cutting) was crying to my bestfriend. They had been talking for twenty minutes. I knew something was happening. This annoyed me because my friend knew what was happening, she knew I wanted to finally move on from my bestfriend, yet here she was having a D&M with her.
So I walked away from my group of people and sat beside the house in the dark, making sure no one could see me. I just sat and thought about everything. I thought about cutting, I even searched for something sharp. I was so keen to cut. When I couldn’t find anything immediatly I thought of killing myself. I really don’t know how I would have done it, but I was so focused on killing myself…then I just stared into the sky, at the stars, at a place so far away. It seemed so wonderful.
It took over half an hour for someone to realise I was gone. They didn’t go looking for me or anything. They called me and told me about a song and then before hanging up they said “Oh where are you?” I said I was talking to my brother and they did not question it. I sat for another 45 minutes. This is when I was so comfortable with the idea of killing myself. I mean I had been sitting there for almost 2 hours, and no one bothered to look for me. I was irrelevant.
Then the friend that knows about my cutting and was talking to my bestfriend found me. She said she was looking for me for ten minutes. She told me about what they were talking about. And then we started talking about depression, cutting, suicide etc. It was good, we were very even with our thinking. Then my bestfriend found us. And she asked me why we didn’t talk. I said things had changed, we lost what we had. She left.
Two people came around about five minutes after this and asked why my bestfriend was crying. They said she was fine but then suddenly started crying and fell to the ground. She was with her boyfriend bawling her eyes out and I told my friend to tell her to come to me. My friend was being arrogant and saying she was with her boyfriend. She had no idea what she was crying about yet thought she knew everything.
I went and found her, and sat and cried for around ten minutes. No one knew why except us two. She said she wanted me back, she was sorry for pushing me away. That we had been bestfriends for 12 years and couldn’t let this go. Because I am incapable of letting anyone go, we made up. I told her I was cutting again. She didn’t really say anything. She just cried.
So that was my night. I am home now and to be honest, I am still thinking about cutting. I am useless.