I haven’t blogged in so long. But that will soon change as my life is, once again, in the shit. It is just spiralling out of control. I thought for a moment that I was maybe getting a bit better, and then I found out some news. I am not going to say what exactly it was because I don’t think anyone will actually understand how much it has/will affect me.
Anyway, the news made me cry for around and hour straight, then I had to go to work, so was forced to stop. Once I got home I took at 2 hour long bath and just lay there and cried. My family had no idea.
They still don’t know what this news is, and they have no idea why I have been like I have. They think I am just angry and tired, not once has it crossed their minds that I am upset.
Although I did cry in the car with my mother, but she thinks it was because my dad yelled at me. Which in itself is stupidity. I always fight with him, and never would I give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. That sounds so horrible but it is true. He is so power driven. He believes he is so strong and almighty. I resent him.
So after my bath I cut myself. Twice. On my leg, they were long and deep. The thing is, I didn’t freak out, I didn’t cry or anything. I just did it as if it were a common practice. I admit it once was a common thing, but considering I hadn’t cut in almost two months, it was a bit of a weird feeling.

So now this news is becoming even more complicated. There is so much speculation, I don’t know what to believe. Either the thing that has held me together the past five years has been a complete lie, or an individual I admire strongly was not who they seemed.
I think this will be the worst Christmas ever. There is too much happening. I am too sad. I am too angry. I am not coping. And I know it sounds selfish, but I don’t think I can put on that fake smile. How can I when my world is falling apart? I almost am at the point where I want to seek help. I know I’ve said it before. But I really think if this continues for much longer, I won’t be around for too long. I need help. But this is the wrong time. It’s Christmas for fucks sake. My brother is driving six hours to be with the family for it, and I will ruin it by telling the truth.