February 2011
6 posts
when people belatedly stare at your cuts/scars ,
m-lowkey:
and roll their eyes at you… worst feeling in the world. makes me feel like shit.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to try. I don’t want to act. I don’t want to be around my “friends” Everyone in this world is heartless, selfish and ignorant.
1 tag
The moment when your scars go itchy
Seriously,
what the fuck is wrong with me?
3 tags
hesitant
I went for a long walk tonight. I just thought about everything. I honestly don’t know what to do at the moment. Well, at all really. I don’t know if I should get help, I don’t even know if I need it. I don’t really see it doing much good. I mean, if anyone is going to stop me from cutting, it’s going to be me. I’ve said it before, but I keep everything to...
2 tags
beauty
I just really don’t understand. How do I find pleasure in such a fucked up thing? Lately I have been cutting on my legs, I like it because it is so easy to hide. I like that once I cut the blood just flows down my leg. I like the stinging I get when water runs down it, and I like the jab of pain I get whenever I hit my leg on something. I like having the reminder of this...
January 2011
1 post
5 tags
Irrelevance
Went to a party tonight. I was okay until around 2 hours in. Lately I have been thinking alot about sort of severing the ties to my best friend of 12 years. It is obviously a big decision to make, but we haven’t talked in around 4 months, and to be honest I think half the reason I was cutting was because I had basically lost my two bestfriends within months of each other. I feel as though...
December 2010
2 posts
fading.
Some of my scars are slowly fading, I don’t know what I think of this. At first I thought it was good, but I’m not so sure anymore. It almost temps me into making more. I now have two new cuts on my leg.
1 tag
never let this go
I haven’t blogged in so long. But that will soon change as my life is, once again, in the shit. It is just spiralling out of control. I thought for a moment that I was maybe getting a bit better, and then I found out some news. I am not going to say what exactly it was because I don’t think anyone will actually understand how much it has/will affect me. Anyway, the news made me cry for...
November 2010
15 posts
2 tags
wow.
I just don’t understand how I can be so weak. As soon as something goes wrong, I immediately think of cutting. We had parent/teacher interviews today and it did not go too well. When we were talking to one of my teachers I seriously felt like I was going to cry. I almost did as well, but I hate him and wouldn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me like crap. I was so close to...
brighter.
I have to go back to school tomorrow because I’m well enough to go apparently. After having a week off I’m not sure how I will go. I went out on Saturday, but didn’t drink, but half the time I seriously just wanted to be by myself. It’s not that the party was bad, it was actually really good, it’s just that as soon as I started to actually think about things...
1 tag
idiocracy
I saw my friend tonight. I didn’t thank her. Why? Because I am fucking weak.
5 tags
intervene
I am slowly convincing myself into telling my parents or even my brother about my cutting and of my general state of mind. To be honest I’m tired. I’m tired of the constant battle I have to fight with myself. To cut or not to cut. To cry myself to sleep or pretend that life is peachy. I’m sick of the fake smile and I’m sick of telling everybody “I’m fine”...
2 tags
sick
I haven’t posted in a while, to be honest I’ve been avoiding it. It’s not that I’ve cut, it’s just what is going on in my head. It is honestly so fucked up. I had to go to the Doctors because I had a sore throat, and I ended up having tonsillitis. I went by myself, and the whole night before it I was wondering whether or not I should talk to him about my cutting and...
3 tags
frustrating.
Today I was just angry. Sometimes I didn’t know what at, I would just get this sudden rage inside of me. I didn’t take it out on others for once, so I am happy about that. Although there is one of my friends who is just irritating me so much lately. Everything she does I just completely disagree with or question. I don’t think it is just me either because alot of others have been...
3 tags
solitary.
“It looks like you’ve been cutting your wrists!” this is what one of my ‘friends’ said to me today, oh well more like about me, in front of six other people. This is half the reason I hate summer. There is no way to hide the scars. If I wear a jumper people question me and it’s obviously fucking hot, but if I don’t wear a jumper they are visible to anyone...
2 tags
taboo
I haven’t cut since Thursday. I guess that’s a good thing. But it doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it, or contemplated worse. At work a person joked about suicide to me, it took every inch of power in me not to tell them to shut the fuck up. It’s just like the time I overheard a customer talk about how suicide was the most selfish thing to do. Personally, I...
2 tags
square one.
So last night, I broke. I only cut once, which is rare, but fuck it was deep. I didn’t realise it was that bad until the morning. Today it was so fucking hot. Like ridiculously, discustingly, sweating type hot. Of course I wore a jacket, and if I had a dollar for everytime someone said “why the fuck are you wearing a jacket?!”
I don’t know how I feel now. I don’t...
awkward
Today it was so fucking hot. I had my jacket on, and one of my only friends that knows about my cutting says “Take your jacket off! Aren’t you the least bit hot?” Well yes, I am, don’t mind my feelings or anything. I’ll just leave you to pick up the pieces. Seriously what the fuck went through her mind? The worse thing was everyone else then started asking me why I...
beconi:
-firstlady:
Pretty pretty please ...
2 tags
Home
Sometimes, I need to be at home. I just need to be in my bed, it makes me feel secure and most of all I get to be alone. At the moment I’m home alone, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I like the freedom of it, but also that is it’s downfall. When I’m alone, I can literally do anything I want, including having the urge to pull out my razors. But it also acts as...
3 tags
This is my second blog, one I want no one I know to see. It will act as a diary, I hope. Basically, I haven’t been very good for the past, six months? I self harm. But I have been “clean” for 27 days. I don’t know why or how I am preventing myself from doing it, because I get the strongest urges to do so. Like today I walked to work, and on the walk I had to cross a bridge...