m-lowkey:

and roll their eyes at you… worst feeling in the world. makes me feel like shit.

(via m-fuckedup-deactivated20110530-)

I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to try.
I don’t want to act.
I don’t want to be around my “friends”
Everyone in this world is heartless, selfish and ignorant.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

I went for a long walk tonight. I just thought about everything. I honestly don’t know what to do at the moment. Well, at all really. I don’t know if I should get help, I don’t even know if I need it. I don’t really see it doing much good. I mean, if anyone is going to stop me from cutting, it’s going to be me.
I’ve said it before, but I keep everything to myself. That’s the way I like it. I don’t like being a burden on others. But I am honestly sick of having no one to talk to. I just feel alone all the time. Sure I have my good friends and they say that they’re there for me. But I feel as though I tell them something and they almost always turn it on themselves. I know I am supposed to support them as well, but when I am finally starting to talk or say what I am actually feeling, I just need them to be there. I need them to tell me everything will be okay. I need them to hug me. I need them to support me. Actually support me.
I hate crying in public or in front of anyone. I think it’s embarrassing. But sometimes it’s the only way to get through.
On my walk tonight I walked past the cousellors house. She just lives on the next street to me. I kind of just stood there for a minute. That sounds so creepy, but I just needed her. She hasn’t been at school because she had a baby, so that’s sort of why I was so hesitant in seeing the replacement counsellor because I just don’t feel very comfortable with her. I felt like I could say anything to the old counsellor. So I don’t know, I guess in a weird way it was just comforting to know that she was there. Fuck that sounds like I am so creepy.
She’s back at school now I am pretty sure. Depending on how my day is tomorrow, I may go see her.
Argh, I always fucking say that. I always say I will go see someone, that I will talk to someone, that I’m getting help, but it just never happens. It frustrates the hell out of me.
I guess all I can do is hope that I will find some strength in me tomorrow. I know that once I get in there, I will be fine, but it’s the actual physically (let alone emotional) part.
I can sort of see how it is going to work though. I will finally get in to the counsellor, she will ask me what’s up, and I will just talk about my friends. I won’t talk about me or my cutting. Seriously fuck this shit.

I just really don’t understand. How do I find pleasure in such a fucked up thing?
Lately I have been cutting on my legs, I like it because it is so easy to hide. I like that once I cut the blood just flows down my leg. I like the stinging I get when water runs down it, and I like the jab of pain I get whenever I hit my leg on something. I like having the reminder of this ‘comfort’. It’s weird how addicting it becomes. I mean, once you start to cut again, it’s hard to stop. You just want to keep making more slices.
When I was at my worst, I was cutting on my arms and I remember I ran out of room. At first I was shocked at myself. I mean, my whole arm was just covered in cuts, there was literally no space to make a new cut. But then I found the beauty in it. I had done this to myself. I controlled where I would cut every night, and how many times I would cut. Finally they had all accumulated. I felt accomplished. It didn’t take me long to realise I could cut over my more healed cuts. As soon as I was ‘healed’ I could simply make the wound return. In one action I could undo all that my body had fought.
I don’t know if I will stop. I sort of feel like if I do stop, it will happen within the next month or so. Right now my head is telling me I need help. At school I always feel the urge to go talk to the counsellor. I almost just blurted out at dinner the other night how I cut myself, basically because my dad was being an arsehole and was almost making me cry, so I just wanted to let him know how much his fucking bullshit actually affected me. I wanted him to know how badly he makes his youngest child, his daughter, feel. I cannot even handle being around him. He frustrates me so much.
I actually have it in my mind at the moment that I want to move out. My nan lives around the corner and has a spare room. She also lives alone so if I moved in it would be a win-win. She wouldn’t be as lonely and I wouldn’t have to live in this nightmare.
I guess I could talk to my mum about it but she would probably tell me I was over reacting.
I might give it a shot. I may even talk to my nan first and see if she wouldn’t mind, and then talk to mum.

Went to a party tonight. I was okay until around 2 hours in. Lately I have been thinking alot about sort of severing the ties to my best friend of 12 years. It is obviously a big decision to make, but we haven’t talked in around 4 months, and to be honest I think half the reason I was cutting was because I had basically lost my two bestfriends within months of each other. I feel as though she pushed me away. For 12 years I was always number 1, as she was to me. She then started spending time with another girl, in which I didn’t mind but eventually it became them two and not me. Then add her boyfriend to the mix and suddenly I wasn’t so important. She was interested in only spending time with him or her, or both of them together. But never me.
I felt useless.
She didn’t need me.
The one person that was always there, had now gone.
Everything I do, I keep to myself. Only two people know about my cutting. They don’t really know why though.
I don’t tell people my problems. Hence the making of this blog.
So when I began to cut again it was like a release. I was in control. Only I had the power to break myself. Nobody else. Just me. I hadn’t felt like that in 3 years, when I also used to cut.
This time it is worse though because not only am I cutting, but I am constantly thinking about death and dying and ending my life. In all honesty I think about killing myself everyday. No matter how good the day may be, it will always be in my mind.
When I go to bed, it’s there. The thoughts are there. The urge. The power held within the act. I crave it every night.
This is mainly why I avoid going to bed. No one really understands why I go to bed anywhere between 2-4am. I postpone it. Procrastinate for as long as I can. I guess people think I don’t need much sleep or am a light sleeper, but I actually fucking love sleeping. It’s the one time completely to myself. I can dream of anything. Whether that be good or bad, nothing is impossible. I like that feeling. I can do whatever I please in my dreams. My deepest desires are held within them. In dreams, there is no judgement. No prejudice. No consequences. It is marvellous.
I love sleeping, I love the idea of going to another world. It’s that getting there is the hardest part. It is so hard for me to want to physically get into my bed. Yes I imagine the dreams beyond my battle, but actually getting to that point is both physically and mentally exhausting. Once I am in bed and actually sleeping and dreaming I do not want to leave.
Leaving would force me into the real world where there is constant judgement, prejudices and consequences for your every move. It is very difficult to have a decent moment to yourself. Purely by yourself. To think and to act in accordance with your thoughts. This world is so rushed we are losing our innocence and general thought process. It is so easy to gain answers to mindless questions. There is no effort. No actual self thought. I hate that. People rarely think for themselves.
So generally, to beat the battle, cutting helps to aid the process. It speeds things up. I know that once I cut, there will be a release, there will be a satisfaction and there will be an answer. The wait will be over because the exhaustion is taken away. I don’t really know if that makes sense, but it’s like you try for so hard to keep a straight face that once you literally cut through it, you’re free. Free to sleep, free to dream, free to feel infinite.
In my dreams I am never lonely. Sometimes I may be alone but never once have I felt lonely. I am perfectly content within myself.
I lack this feeling in real life, in the awakend day. After I came to the realisation that me and my bestfriend were drifting I tried to fight. I really honestly feel as though I fought for her. But once she stopped coming to school it made the battle harder. She lied to me. And I could not handle that. She didn’t lie. Not my bestfriend. But suddenly she did. It did not matter that honesty was what held us so strong for 12 years. That was gone.
I think the thing that bothered me the most is that she continued to act like nothing was wrong with us. She was too focused elsewhere. She had other, more important priorites.
Anyway, she asked me over the internet the other day why I don’t talk to her. Mind you, we have not properly talked in close to 4 months. Her replacement friend was gone. It was obvious. Although I wasn’t involved in her life, I still payed close attention to what was happening in it. That’s what bestfriends do.
So I didn’t write back. But tonight at the party everything was okay, until my friend(who knows about my cutting) was crying to my bestfriend. They had been talking for twenty minutes. I knew something was happening. This annoyed me because my friend knew what was happening, she knew I wanted to finally move on from my bestfriend, yet here she was having a D&M with her.
So I walked away from my group of people and sat beside the house in the dark, making sure no one could see me. I just sat and thought about everything. I thought about cutting, I even searched for something sharp. I was so keen to cut. When I couldn’t find anything immediatly I thought of killing myself. I really don’t know how I would have done it, but I was so focused on killing myself…then I just stared into the sky, at the stars, at a place so far away. It seemed so wonderful.
It took over half an hour for someone to realise I was gone. They didn’t go looking for me or anything. They called me and told me about a song and then before hanging up they said “Oh where are you?” I said I was talking to my brother and they did not question it. I sat for another 45 minutes. This is when I was so comfortable with the idea of killing myself. I mean I had been sitting there for almost 2 hours, and no one bothered to look for me. I was irrelevant.
Then the friend that knows about my cutting and was talking to my bestfriend found me. She said she was looking for me for ten minutes. She told me about what they were talking about. And then we started talking about depression, cutting, suicide etc. It was good, we were very even with our thinking. Then my bestfriend found us. And she asked me why we didn’t talk. I said things had changed, we lost what we had. She left.
Two people came around about five minutes after this and asked why my bestfriend was crying. They said she was fine but then suddenly started crying and fell to the ground. She was with her boyfriend bawling her eyes out and I told my friend to tell her to come to me. My friend was being arrogant and saying she was with her boyfriend. She had no idea what she was crying about yet thought she knew everything.
I went and found her, and sat and cried for around ten minutes. No one knew why except us two. She said she wanted me back, she was sorry for pushing me away. That we had been bestfriends for 12 years and couldn’t let this go. Because I am incapable of letting anyone go, we made up. I told her I was cutting again. She didn’t really say anything. She just cried.
So that was my night. I am home now and to be honest, I am still thinking about cutting. I am useless.

Some of my scars are slowly fading, I don’t know what I think of this. At first I thought it was good, but I’m not so sure anymore. It almost temps me into making more.
I now have two new cuts on my leg.

I haven’t blogged in so long. But that will soon change as my life is, once again, in the shit. It is just spiralling out of control. I thought for a moment that I was maybe getting a bit better, and then I found out some news. I am not going to say what exactly it was because I don’t think anyone will actually understand how much it has/will affect me.
Anyway, the news made me cry for around and hour straight, then I had to go to work, so was forced to stop. Once I got home I took at 2 hour long bath and just lay there and cried. My family had no idea.
They still don’t know what this news is, and they have no idea why I have been like I have. They think I am just angry and tired, not once has it crossed their minds that I am upset.
Although I did cry in the car with my mother, but she thinks it was because my dad yelled at me. Which in itself is stupidity. I always fight with him, and never would I give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. That sounds so horrible but it is true. He is so power driven. He believes he is so strong and almighty. I resent him.
So after my bath I cut myself. Twice. On my leg, they were long and deep. The thing is, I didn’t freak out, I didn’t cry or anything. I just did it as if it were a common practice. I admit it once was a common thing, but considering I hadn’t cut in almost two months, it was a bit of a weird feeling.

So now this news is becoming even more complicated. There is so much speculation, I don’t know what to believe. Either the thing that has held me together the past five years has been a complete lie, or an individual I admire strongly was not who they seemed.
I think this will be the worst Christmas ever. There is too much happening. I am too sad. I am too angry. I am not coping. And I know it sounds selfish, but I don’t think I can put on that fake smile. How can I when my world is falling apart? I almost am at the point where I want to seek help. I know I’ve said it before. But I really think if this continues for much longer, I won’t be around for too long. I need help. But this is the wrong time. It’s Christmas for fucks sake. My brother is driving six hours to be with the family for it, and I will ruin it by telling the truth.

I just don’t understand how I can be so weak. As soon as something goes wrong, I immediately think of cutting.
We had parent/teacher interviews today and it did not go too well.
When we were talking to one of my teachers I seriously felt like I was going to cry. I almost did as well, but I hate him and wouldn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me like crap.
I was so close to breaking again tonight. I got out my blades and everything, but somehow I just didn’t. I just sort of played with them in my hands for a while, glided them across my skin and put them back in their box.
I almost cut last night as well, and just as I was about too my sister walked in.
It’s getting risky now, I don’t know if I’m just paranoid or what but it feels like everyone is watching me.
I think this week I might go see the counsellor, because I am just too exhausted.
I wanted to wait until the old counsellor got back from maternity leave because I love her and she is so easy to talk to. She said she would be back in November, but she hasn’t even been in yet to visit so I’m not sure. I think I will ask when she is back and if I can’t wait that long, then I will talk to the replacement one. She is nice as well but there is something about her that makes me a little uncomfortable.
I’ll see how I go though.